Saturday, March 15, 2008

I cannot divulge my location right now, nor can I reveal to you the purpose of my presence in this cramped up place. It is the 16th of March 3:00 a.m GST as I write this entry.

Pardon the delay, for Bashir declined blatantly (many times, at that) to get me the not so new XboX 360. And this led me to go on a reconaissance mission, where my objective is to hijack a gaming hardware store (in this case Challenger at Funan IT Mall) and acquire the 360, which I will be bringing back to the submarine for entertainment purposes. Of course, this mission requires me to stay alive and safe.

Shit, I think I just told you what I said I wouldn't tell.

Anyway, you must be wondering how I managed to get myself out of that rundown submarine and onto land without being noticed. Well, all I can say is, people need to wear night vision goggles more frequently. It was amazing, to walk on the artificial beaches of Changi, hail a COMFORT taxi and saunter into challenger without being noticed. Singaporeans must all be burdened with unneccesary problems and sight defection. I've noticed that the myopia victims have shot up ever since the turn of the millenium but never in my wildest and wettest dreams did I fathom this to happen.

So I got myself into the shop, what next? Loiter, of course! I had to camouflage myself and act like a typical youngster walking around the shop, looking for opportunities to hog the XboX for as long as possible. However, hogging the game console ain't as easy as you think.

You gotta contend and compete with the number of students who patronise the shop on a regular basis, and these children are more experienced than you think. They usually arrive in groups of four and surround the console. Once they get their hands on it, you can expect to wait for about 5-6 hours before they leave the shop.

And if you're fortunate, they won't be back after dinner. But if you're enjoying the regular dose of pleasure from Lady Luck, them twats will return and you should be leaving the shop upon sighting them.

Why? Simply because they leave when the shop closes.

However, I went one step ahead of them. I brought along with me a portable sleeping bag and a foldable tent. Then again, my purpose wasn't to hog the XboX, it is to steal that particular game console (which happens to be a 360). As I was saying...

FUCK, NO! the alarm's been set off! I gotta take the console and run right now! May Allah be with me.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The most wanted criminal in SEA

Hello! Hello!

Sorry for not writing in during the past few days, my lonely journal. It’s been a hectic period for me; Bashir keeps recommending to me all the latest Xbox games leaving me no choice but to download them. Yes yes, I know, it’s a crime to download games and songs and videos and movies and all the different tangibles of media. But really, who cares about being a pirate when you’re already a fugitive.

Ah CRUD! I hate that word!

No no, not pirate. I hate that word “fugitive”. I’ve been labeled a fugitive ever since I escaped that unhygienic and polluted dormitory. Come on now, Singapore is supposed to be known of her state of the art facilities and ridiculously comfortable accommodation, not to mention pricey too. It’s a big pity that I’ve been subjected to such horrible treatment just because they don’t charge me GST. To think they don’t even show any amount of empathy, which reminds me of something!

The other day, Bashir returned home with a stack of posters. Being the polite man I was (am*), I inquired him about the details of the package. Bashir was rude, though. He blatantly threw the stack at the sofa and stared at me menacingly. I looked him back in the eye with innocence and picked the posters up. By Allah! Every single one of the posters was printed with my face! I was shocked, I was surprised, I was ecstatic! But nooo, Bashir had to interrupt my moment of glory. He said something like “beginner’s luck”. I can’t really remember what he spouted then. It sounded like a mix between English, Malay and some complicated Singaporean dialect. During that moment in time, I had wanted to laugh at Bashir but then I realized I was under his care. Just you watch Bashir, when Osama returns, I’ll…

After that incident, Bashir has returned to his old selfish self. He has not been telling me the right websites to download my favourite shows and games. Ungrateful Taliban! But just today, he came into my room while I was playing my Xbox and told me a joke. It goes like this: Mas Selamat bin Kastari is currently the most wanted man in SEA, but everyone is searching for him on land! HAHAHAHA!

It’s actually true to a certain extent, I’m actually at…oops…I can’t reveal it yet. Ah screw the talibans! Bashir’s complaining. I think he just saw some photos of me again.

Damn the internet connection!

Selamat Kastari

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Day 1

Oh shut up Bashir. Shut up already. Why can’t you stop chattering off about my successful and valiant attempt at escaping the Singaporeans...

Oh, hi there!

Today is a good day. Today is a safe day. Today is the day. Yes! You’re absolutely right! Today is the official day I start on this insignificant journal about my daily life and my never ceasing thoughts. Bashir has been pestering me to keep some records about myself. He says that I should write about myself because there’s nothing else I can do at this moment in time. I think he’s wrong, though. I think that I should not write about myself. I mean, what happens if our enemies finds out about this? What happens if I decide to put in that deal of effort and this book gets burned to ashes? It’s strange, really, all these incoherent and inherent thoughts. Okay, fine. I shall listen to Bashir for once and write properly.

Anyway, let’s get started, shall we?

You see, on the 27th February 2008, I managed to pull off a Houdini act at the “impregnable” and highly “secured” Whitley Detention Centre. It was simple, to be honest. Oh yeah, impregnable sort of reminds me of the British colony in Singapore around 50 years ago. Sometimes, a word gets stuck in your head for good and you seem to use it in every other sentence. Impregnable is that word; I’ve been using it ever since I graduated from…wait, I don’t think I should be revealing this just yet. Anyhow, the escape plan was hatched around four to five years ago. My mates and I discussed this for days and weeks and months but not years. We believed that we were endangered and felt the need for an escape plan. Come to think of it, we are still endangered. Thank Allah that our plan worked out.

Good gracious! Would you look at the time! It has been almost an hour. I think I should be returning to the Xbox. I definitely agree that the Xbox is the only good that came out of America.

Oh wait, Jessica Alba too!

Selamat Kastari

Authors' disclaimer

This is a parody of Mas Selamat Kastari's "journal" and should NOT be mistaken for the real deal. We have NO information or information sources on the escapee besides I repeat, This is a parody of Mas Selamat Kastari's "journal" and should NOT be mistaken for the real deal. We have NO information or information sources on the escapee besides

On a very serious note, we will give our best to take down this fugitive and we hope you will do the same. The characters mentioned in this parody are completely fictitious and MUST NOT be mistaken for any real life entities.

Other than that, please do enjoy our accommodation and feel free to leave any comments whatsoever.

Thank You.